• Lifestyle

It’s Not Just What You Say

by Candace Smith
The Etiquette Blog
Candace Smith Etiquette

Biography:  Candace Smith, wife of Nobel Prize-Winner Professor Dr. Vernon Smith and owner of the extraordinary blog, “Etiquette for the Business of Life” as featured by BBC, Chicago Tribune and USA Today offers her insights.

“Tone, expression and body language may be speaking louder than your words.” 

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There is really no way to hear yourself exactly as a listener hears you. That’s why the way you say something—your tone of voice, facial expression and body language—can be just as important as the words themselves. It’s the entire package of communication that shapes how someone perceives your message.

I’m reminded of the Scottish poet Robert Burns and his poem “To a Louse.” In it, Burns expresses a timeless wish: “O wad some Pow’r the giftie gie us / To see oursels as others see us!” More than two centuries later, the idea still applies beautifully to the way we communicate.

Your Tone of Voice

Sharp, soothing, encouraging, smooth, shrill, cheerful, authoritative, dry—these are all ways we describe tone of voice. Some people have a natural ability to adjust their tone as a situation warrants. Others have a narrower range. Either way, becoming aware of your tone and the effect it has on others is an important communication skill.

As children, we receive plenty of feedback from parents, teachers and other adults: “Do you hear yourself?” or “Watch your tone.” But once we reach adulthood, unless our profession requires us to pay close attention to it, we tend to settle into a comfortable way of speaking and give our tone very little thought.

That is, until someone calls it to our attention—either directly or through their reaction.

Listeners are more engaged and more likely to understand your intended message when your tone matches the meaning behind your words. If you intend to be encouraging but your tone sounds sarcastic, for example, the result can be a very different message from the one you thought you were sending.

Speech and pronunciation coach Hadar Shemesh has spoken extensively about the importance of tone and how the way we say something is closely connected to the emotions behind it. That connection is worth paying attention to.

Knowing Your Emotions in the Moment

How do you feel right now? If you had to describe that feeling—or explain why you feel that way—would someone be able to hear it in your voice?

Developing greater awareness of our emotions can help us become more aware of how we communicate them. A few simple exercises can help:

• As you go through your day, occasionally stop and put a name to what you are feeling.
• Choose one emotion—perhaps happiness, frustration or excitement—and notice when it appears throughout the day.
• Expand your emotional vocabulary. How many different words can you use to describe how you feel?
• Pay attention to the emotions you recognize in other people’s voices and facial expressions.
• Have some fun with role-playing. Say the same sentence in front of a mirror using several different tones.
• Record yourself speaking and watch it later. Does the way you sound and look match the feeling you intended to convey?

Practice is important, but so is authenticity. The goal isn’t to manufacture a voice or expression. It’s to become more aware of whether what others are seeing and hearing accurately reflects what you mean.

The Way You Say Things—While Listening

Communication isn’t only about speaking. Sometimes saying nothing says it all.

Listening is an attending skill. When someone is speaking to you, your physical presence can send a powerful message before you ever say a word. Facing the person, making comfortable eye contact and allowing your body language to show genuine interest can communicate that they have your attention.

Trying to put ourselves in another person’s place is a principle of etiquette found across cultures. When we make the effort to imagine how we may be coming across—and how the other person may be receiving us—misunderstandings often become easier to avoid.

Communicating with empathy and understanding happens most naturally when our words, tone and physical expressions are aligned. When they are, we do more than deliver a message—we create a connection.

And that may be the most important reason to pay attention to the way you say things. People don’t simply hear your words. They form an impression from the entire interaction.

The Takeaway: Before an important conversation, consider not only what you want to say, but how you want the other person to feel when they hear it. Your words matter—but your tone, expression and presence often determine how those words will be remembered